[For My Infatuated Self] Thought #1

So it’s my first time to post something like this. Well, anyway, I’m doing this for my emotional health. So, shall we?

Probably because of the raging hormones, but yes, I guess it’s normal that I like someone at this age. My problem is, I’m getting in it too deep.

I realized a long ago that I am THAT passionate when it comes to emotions. I can never fake emotions. If I like someone, I really do like someone. And if I don’t, I don’t. But in the event that I don’t like someone, but have to deal with him/her for professionalism’s sake, let maturity do its part.

Now, getting back to my point. I like someone and I don’t know what to do. So?

If I look back and apply what I have learned in the past, the following will be the scenario.

Then: Every end of the school year, I tried to stop or control my feelings toward Ray. I stopped acting on it. Eventually, it did work in the sense that we didn’t get physically attached to each other. We grew apart. We weren’t as close in senior year as we were in freshman year. It didn’t work in the sense that I failed to detach emotionally, which is a contraindication.

Question: What would have happened if I just continued acting on it? I mean, not trying to stop, and just keep on going?

Now: Using the ‘then’ logic, if I tried to stop now, we might grow apart. And as of now, I can say that my current status is that I didn’t fall yet, but I guess it’s too late to turn back and run away from the cliff.

So, if I did the same thing now as what I did then, we might just drift away, and only I will remain hanging. Hence, I will fail the second time because of the same reason.

“I don’t know what to do?”

Now, I ask myself, “Do I really need to do something?”

Again, using the above logic, yes.

But then, why?

Recently, I realized that, maybe, subconsciously, I’m afraid to fall in love again.

A lot of my friends are saying, “give yourself another chance” and all those stuff. And I tell that to myself, which I believed I convinced myself.

That’s the purpose of the word ‘subconsciously’ in the earlier statement.

I might not admit it directly that I became afraid of love and its effects on my emotional health, based on how I think I should act, I guess, I am afraid to fall in love again. I’m afraid to make a mistake again. I’m afraid to get hurt again.

That is why I’m paranoid to make this one work, if it’s worth acting on. I’m afraid of failing on this one again because of committing the same mistake again.

But then, again, I haven’t fallen in love yet. Not just yet.

But, if this will be that chance I am giving myself, I would want to exhaust all my efforts to it.

Which brings us to the danger of my personality. Being too passionate.

I don’t know if I’m really just passionate or  masochistic.

I love passionately. But in the middle of loving passionately, I forget everything else. I keep on living inside my fantasy that in love, everything should be happy. Hence, falling hard, that it’s hurts. Bad.

I, myself, don’t know how to end this blog post. But I guess I just needed to write what bothers me right now to clear up my mind a little bit.

Well, I guess, the aim of this post was successful. Somehow, I expressed my thoughts and my realizations.

More to come, yes?