Why I ‘gave up’ on it

11 Apr

Honestly, I don’t know how to start this.

I basically failed a major subject, but I was given a chance.

One last chance.

To start from scratch and finish everything in a week.

In a regular clinical rotation, the time given was a month, and the last chance to pass the subject is to do everything in a week when normally, it is meant to be done in a month.

Initially, of course, I thought, I must take that opportunity. I must take that chance. Last chance to pass. Last chance not to be delayed for a year.

One week, truth be told, is a very short time, and considering that I have summer classes to take, I don’t know where I’ll fit the make-up duty into my rather toxic summer schedule.

I thought, maybe I could ask my friends to help me. But then, I think it’s unfair for them, and unfair for me as well. First, I’ll be asking for help in something that I should do alone. Second, I feel like I’m cheating if I push through that. Third, I would not learn what I’m supposed to learn in this experience, so basically, I’ll be missing the whole point here.

Learning.

So I thought, I can’t do it in a week.

Basically, I gave up on it. I’ll settle with just repeating the subject next year, and get delayed for a year.

Most people would say, and most of my friends said, “I-try mo, kaya ‘yan!” or “Push ‘yan! Wala namang mawawala eh.”

In other circumstances, I would also tell myself, yes, at least you could say you did everything you can. No regrets.

However, I do realize that sometimes, the stronger people are those who are strong enough to let go than those who are willing to push to the limit only to get hurt. I find the ‘stronger’ character in accepting reality.

So, I’m ‘giving up’ for a number of reasons.

1. One week is too short. If I accept that offer, of course I would be rushing everything. Rushed work is never satisfactory. Besides, there’s the mentality to finish everything on time, and the point why this whole this is being done is compromised. It’s like doing it for the sake of completing the requirements, passing the subject, and not getting delayed. The sense of ‘caring for the starting family’ fades. So, no.

2. It coincides with summer classes. I cannot and I would not compromise my summer classes with something that I’m not even sure if I could finish. If ever, it would be a lose-lose situation. I could not choose both, so I guess I’ll have to pick my summer classes. I could use the grades I would get from my summer classes to make up for my failing mark.

3. Honestly, I don’t think I’m ready for the next level of Nursing courses. So I guess, I would need a redo of this to be confident enough to face the higher challenges that await me.

4. Personally, I would like to specialize in Community Health Nursing and Maternal and Child Health Nursing. Maybe God has a reason why I’ll have to repeat this. Maybe He really wants me to master this subject and put me where my heart is.

5. Learning takes time. I’d be lying if I said that I don’t care if I don’t graduate on time, but I guess that is part of the learning in UP. You learn that learning takes time, and there’s no need to rush, especially when your future is at stake. UP will not let you get out of the university unprepared for the world out there.

Okay, some would suggest verses from the Bible saying that I should trust God and nothing is impossible with God. But hey, what if I should trust God in this also, and not in pushing it through? What if God says that I should trust His plans of me getting delayed for there is something better that is prepared in my future? Because honestly, no one wants to be delayed, although being delayed has its perks. But still.

I’ll take this moment to say, I trust God in what my future holds, whether I graduate in 2016 or in 2017. I trust God in His guidance about my decision. I trust God that whatever happens, whatever I decide, it’s His will.

So I guess, somehow, I really ‘gave up.’ I gave up my life to God so that He could be in charge of what He wants to do with it. Besides, I trust Him, and I know He knows best.

So yeah.

To Batch 2o16, I guess this is good bye. Thank you for the memories. It was a fun ride with you all. I’ll miss you, and I’ll continue to cheer you on.

To Batch 2017, hello! May I be in good terms with all of you. I look forward to having good memories with you.

To this particular Professor in this subject, just to get this straight, Ma’am, I have no hard feelings towards you. I admire you as an educator and as a person. I know it’s entirely my fault why it had to end like this. But I would like to tell you, Ma’am, thank you. Thank you for educating me. Thank you for discouraging me at one point in my life so I was able to reflect why I wanted to be here in the first place. Thank you for offering me that last chance. I know it might not be obvious, but I know you cared. I know you have a passionate heart. And for that, again, Ma’am, Thank you. I’m just sorry that I am such a disappointment.

To my parents, I’m grateful to have you two as my parents. For whatever happens, I know you’ll still love me even if I fail you now. Even if I cannot keep that promise. I cannot promise another thing now, but to still do my best in everything. I love you both!

To my college friends, thank you guys for offering help, and for understanding. I know you’ll still love me even if I graduate a year later. I’ll continue to cheer you on! And besides, I’m with Sam and Kyla in the batch. :>

And especially, to my good friend Jezra, thank you for inspiring me to go on. Thank you for believing in me. I don’t exactly know why you consider me as your idol, but still, I thank you for the support and everything. You don’t know how much you moved me to tears when you said those inspiring words in our conversations.

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