[For My Infatuated Self] Friendship

25 May

I had a crush on someone. Then I liked him. But I can honestly say I don’t love him. Yet.

He has almost everything I wanted in a guy. He was perfect in my eyes. I imagined myself introducing him to my parents. I imagined my future with him. I thought he’s the one. (Yes, it was that deep, but I can still honestly say that I don’t love him yet.)

Until I knew who his happy crush was. At first, I thought, a happy crush won’t hurt, until I took it seriously.

I tried to avoid him. I didn’t contact him. I didn’t want to talk to him. I didn’t want to be in his presence. I was trying to let go, maybe because I was hurt, maybe I cannot accept the fact that he wanted another girl.

Added to the hurt was his actions, of which I thought means something, but I guess it’s just normal, for him, since he was so kind, and he liked another girl.

That same week, I was about to break down emotionally, and realized that I can’t do it. I can’t avoid him. Hindi ko kaya. At least hindi ko PA kaya.

So I settled it with myself. To not avoid him, but pursue friendship. (See http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fjustdadadance.wordpress.com%2F2014%2F01%2F29%2Ffor-my-infatuated-self-let-it-go%2F&h=_AQEJ0IIj)

Although how many times I tried, I still cannot hold it in. I wanted to express that I do like him. I don’t want friendship. I wanted something more, and with that something more, I misunderstood his actions more and more. And went with the flow.

Although I still shrug the idea of him liking me too, one weekend, napaisip ako. “Normal pa ba ito?” “Ginagawa pa ba niya ito sa ibang babae?”

I consulted Mommy about this, and that 4-hour talk made me realize what I needed to do.

This is a bit personal, but I can say that the last thing in his priority list is having a relationship.

What he needs right now is a friend. A friend who he can trust fully. A friend whom he can let everything out to.

An immature me would feel bad about what Mommy told me. To my surprise, I was more than willing to do that.

Even if it means just being his friend, no more, no less.

That was the first time I felt that I was willing to let go of my personal agendas in getting closer to him, and being a sincere friend na pwede niyang pagkatiwalaan instead.

This was the first time that I felt na sobrang tanggap ko yung idea kung hanggang magkaibigan lang kami. In any case, mas worth na investment ang pagkakaibigan. Kasi mananatili siya sa buhay ko habambuhay. And yes, he’s a person worth keeping for a lifetime.

At this point I can sincerely say na I wanted to be his friend, as in a friend he could lean on. And I won’t expect anything in return, ’cause that’s what friends are for.

Dati, ang perception ko ng right time, is ngayon, naghihintay ka, pero inaasan mo parin na kayo in the future. Pero I guess, hindi dapat. Gawin mong sincere yung faith mo na kung kayo, edi kayo in the end, at si God ang gagawa ng paraan. Kung hindi, tanggapin mo rin, kasi may dahilan naman si God kung bakit siya nilagay sa buhay mo, pwedeng as a friend. Pero dapat wala sa thinking mo na parang si God pa ang may utang sa’yo na since nagparaya ka today eh dapat in the future kayo ang pagtagpuin Niya.

Akala ko dati, mature na ako sa thinking pagdating sa love, the more I learn, the more I realize that there’s a lot to learn. Ha. The more na pilipilit mong makuha, the more na mawawala.

So sa ngayon, kung nababasa mo man ito, dear friend, I do hope you’re okay and everything’s great. Don’t ever hesitate to contact me if there’s anything I could help you with. I love you and I will always be here for you, anytime. 🙂

I guess this is it. On the pursuit of a deeper friendship. But you’ll always be a special friend to me. 🙂

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